We now return you to unopinionated nonsense

From a site called Muskrat News, with which I wasn't familiar until a friend sent me this. The bold part was written by Mr. Branigan, the rest not so much. And just for the record, this is not intended as my personal commentary on the administration or Mr. Gonzales. I bet he'd even find it funny.

By William Branigin
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, January 6, 2005; 12:42 PM
President Bush's nominee to head the Justice Department in his second term, White House counsel Alberto R. Gonzales, pledged today to preserve civil liberties as the nation wages war on terrorism and vowed to aggressively pursue those responsible for the abuse of U.S.-held prisoners.
Appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee for his confirmation hearing, Gonzales also said he does not view the Geneva Conventions as either "obsolete" or "quaint" -- words that appear in a 2002 memo he wrote to Bush referring to some of the convention's provisions. He condemned the abusive and degrading treatment of prisoners held by U.S. forces at Abu Ghraib prison west of Baghdad, saying photos of the abuse had "sickened and outraged" him. And he vowed that he "will not tolerate torture" of detainees by U.S. captors.

Gonzalez’s initial answers were somewhat muffled, as his head was encased in wet towels, onto which water was dripped between questions to simulate drowning, in a process known as “waterboarding.” However, the Senate panel soon moved onto other forms of question-asking, by subjecting Gonzalez to repeated electrical shocks and, at one point, inserting lit cigarettes into his ear.

Some Republicans on the panel objected to the mock executions that Patrick Leahy (D-VT) subjected Gonzalez to, with Sen. John Cornyn (R-Tex) suggesting that it would be sufficient to simply slap the nominee and keep him awake for long periods under blinding light and repulsive music.

When White House Spokesman Scott McClellan complained that the Senate interrogation was “tantamount to torture,” Senator Arlen Specter noted that Gonzalez had declined to state that such practices were illegal when used against detainees at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo, so “We have to assume they remain available to us.”

Outside observers agreed on the need for “moderate physical pressure” when interrogating Bush Administration detainees, noting that the White House was a notoriously secretive organization whose operatives were trained to resist questioning. “Besides,” said one Freedom of Information Advocate, “It’s so rare than one falls into our hands – we really have to exploit such prisoners for all they’re worth, if we’re going to prevent more acts of terror directed against the Constitution and other norms of civilized behavior.”

The UN appeared to agree, noting that the Gonzalez had justified excluding al-Qaeda from the protections of the Geneva convention by calling them “an enemy that does not wear a uniform, owes no allegiance to any country, is not a party to any treaties and -- most importantly -- does not fight according to the laws of war.” The official noted that Gonzalez himself did not wear a uniform, appeared to be loyal to Mr. Bush rather than the laws of the United States, did not consider the U.S bound by Treaties, and was willing to condone fighting methods that were outside the laws of war.

Asked if it intended to investigate the abuse of Gonzalez, the International Red Cross was silent for five whole minutes as it slowly buffed its fingernails. It finally said “We’ll strongly consider looking into it some day.”