It's all in how you sell it

People who've been on them tell me they're fun, but I've never really seen the appeal of a cruise.

For one, I don't much like being around lots and lots of other tourists -- they tend to remind me how disgustingly fat this country has become. Nor do I like the idea of sleeping in a windowless room beneath the surface of the ocean, the only way the things approach affordability. Nor does it seem like a lot of fun to ride around for a week on what, in essence, is a floating monopoly, where you get screwed on everything but the free food -- and so all the fat tourists feel compelled to gorge themselves as often as possible.

So I think cruise lines should bill Norwalk virus as an amenity.

Are you a disgustingly fat American? Do you want to lounge around in the sun, ignore our gym, stuff yourself with free food, drink as much of our overpriced booze as you can suck down and do it all worry-free? Well you can! Because on the good ship Petri Dish, the passengers you can't see will have you puking and shitting out all those excess pounds inside a week!

Bon voyage!