The alexwayne.com music review, vol. 1

Another soon to be occasional feature. Our subject today: "Contraband," by Velvet Revolver.

First, some background. Velvet Revolver = (All of the former members of Guns 'n Roses) - (Axl Rose) + (Scott Weiland, formerly of Stone Temple Pilots). This is their first and -- given Weiland's well documented and apparently complete inability to resist the sweet siren song of smack --probably final album.

I'd grade this album in comparison to Guns 'n Roses "Appetite for Destruction" even without the ties to the band, simply because it's a Rock album and Appetite is the most rockingest Rock album ever. This latter contention is not subject to debate, alexwayne.com readers.

So, how does it grade? On a scale of one to 10, where one is Boston's "Boston" and 10 is Appetite, this ranks about 6.5.

I had high hopes for this album, based on the band's lineage and the first single, "Slither," which sounds -- as the whole album should -- like it was written after Slash had gotten drunk, banged a couple groupies, sacrificed a goat to his and Duff McKagan's guitars and then dragged Weiland straight out of the methadone clinic. So it's a major disappointment that I can't score the entire album higher on the Appetite scale.

For one, I'm pissed that the album comes with some stupid copy-protection mechanism that prevents it from being ripped to the mp3 player or music-stealing service of your choice.

But the bigger problem, I figure, is that they let Weiland write a few songs. So we wind up with diddies like "Fall to Pieces," which features the lyrics:

It's been a long year / since you've been gone ... I keep a journal of memories / I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe / I fall to pieces, I'm falling

Listen up, Weiland: Nobody from Guns 'n Roses keeps a goddamn journal; they aren't ever lonely; they don't fall to pieces over anything -- especially chicks; and even if they did, they wouldn't write a song about it; and even if I concede they might write a song about falling to pieces over a chick, they sure as hell wouldn't sing it in public.

I remind my readers that Axl's idea of a ballad was "Rocket Queen," featuring the lyrics:

I got a tongue like a razor / a sweet switchblade knife / and I can do you favors / but then you'll do whatever I like

So the bottom line is that Velvet Revolver just reminds me that goddamn, Guns 'n Roses was a Rock Band and I totally miss 'em. No kidding -- I'm putting Appetite on the stereo right now.