Things I've learned this week about transportation

I've had occasion to travel extensively -- for me at least -- for work this week. Herewith, I impart the wisdom I've gathered:

• Trains rock. Washington to Philly, via Baltimore and Wilmington, Del.: two hours, on the spot. No take-off, no landing, no grumpy stewardesses, no unexplained delays, no seats-so-skinny-the-fat-guy-next-to-you-is-in-your-lap, no security screening (this is only good until some asshole bombs a train, I suppose) and no traffic. Also, Amtrak's "quiet car" idea is worthy of a patent. Please please, FAA: never allow cell-phone use in airplanes.
  
• United sucks. I get up at 6 a.m. for a 9 a.m. flight out of Dulles (which also sucks, by the way -- in fact, it's worthy of a separate entry; see below). I fight traffic to the airport and lo and behold: my flight has been delayed by three hours. I make my way to the concourse. Hello, non-friendly United employee! Might you shed some light on why I got up ridiculously early for a noon flight? Crew delay, non-friendly United employee says. What's that, I say -- they slept late? I don't know, non-friendly United employee says; all I know is I'm here. Yes, so am I, I say. And the plane, when it gets there, is a turboprop. Is there any more frightening way to fly?
  
• Dulles blows. I always try to fly out of REAGAN National Airport (emphasis GOP's), and for good reason. Dulles is in the middle of nowhere. Metro doesn't reach it. A cab ride from D.C. costs $50. And the main highway leading to it is "high-occupancy vehicle only" during rush hour, meaning that if you're driving to the airport during afternoon rush or from it during morning rush, you can't use the most direct route unless you pick up a hitchhiker. It has five concourses, which are connected only by a series of shuttle buses, whose drivers like to take five-minute breaks between trips to flirt with coworkers. You've got a connecting flight in 20 minutes that's a concourse and 30 gates away? Hey, gimme a break, man -- I've got some tail on the line here! Finally, the concourse for United's "Express" (read: small planes and especially unfriendly staff) service is basically a metal shack. One bathroom with broken urinals serving 25 gates, poorly heated, and not even a Starbucks.
  
• Charleston, West Virginia is a nice town. Good steak house. Pretty mountains. Friendly people. Didn't encounter a single mountain-top coal mine or homosexual inbred rapist. Kind of scary airport, but with free wireless Internet. I could live there (the town, not the airport). Philly, maybe not so much.