If Eastwood's crap can win an Oscar, so can mine

I'm going skiing for the first time this weekend. Snowboarding, if you want to get technical about it. I am not the most coordinated of men. So best-case scenario, I figure, is that I don't break anything. Worst-case, I break my neck. In which case I want Jude Law to be cast as Alex Wayne in "Zero Dollar Gimp." An excerpt:

Paralyzed Alex: Don't let 'em take my leg, boss!
Stereotypically grizzled ski instructor (to be played by Ed
Harris): Hell, you don't need it anymore. Hey, that bedsore looks like Abraham Lincoln!