Mother Nature's a wicked bitch

Let's get this out of the way right up front: I feel really, really bad for the xx-thousands of families who lost people in the Indian Ocean tsunami. A tragedy of epic proportions.

But if my sympathy sounds a little perfunctory to you, then you might know me too well. Because good Lord help me, I love a natural disaster.

Volcanoes, earthquakes, asteroids -- hell, even hurricanes ravaging my home state and threatening my family. I can't get enough. I'm like an idiot buying tickets to a Jerry Bruckheimer movie -- again and again and again.

This particular disaster has resulted in 50,000 deaths and counting, untold thousands of injuries, and billions of dollars in damages. Awful? Yes. Am I sympathetic? Sure. Really. Would I want it to happen to my family? No way. But is it totally awesome? You're damn right it is.

Let's be honest, folks. It's just us talking. And I say it is more than a just a little bit dazzling and humbling and awe-inspiring and -- hell, I'm gonna use the word -- entertaining when Mother Nature rears back and sucker-punches humanity. This is way different from 19 assholes flying planes into buildings, or untold thousands of deaths from a foreign war we might not support. If you die from an act of man -- well, that could have and probably should have been avoided, and that makes me angry. But this here is nature. When you die from an act of God -- well, mister, it was damn sure your time to go. No way around it, and no one to blame.

Update: A Sports Illustrated swimsuit model with whom I had a brief, torrid affair -- even if she wasn't actually, y'know, physically present for it -- survived the tsunami by clinging to a palm tree for eight hours. Man is that sexy. Her boyfriend, however, is missing. Her boyfriend is a 33-year-old British fashion photographer. I'm thinking the Devil may have just collected on a certain transaction. No hard feelings, chap -- I'd have happily made the same Nemcovian bargain.

Special update: I felt so guilty about having fun at the expense of more than 115,000 lives that I made a contribution -- albeit a small one -- to the Red Cross. Man do I feel better. And I'm officially Better Than You. Bonus!