So if I throw a Bible in a toilet ...

... I'm committing a hate crime?

I'm inclined to agree with Chris Hitchens on this one. This is ridiculous and outrageous; the next thing you know, I won't be able to publish images of Muhammad in my newspaper without inspiring riots.

Also from the Dept of Muslims Practicing Bad Public Relations: The Council on American-Islamic Relations recently kicked a reporter out of a news conference -- held at the National Press Club, incidentally -- because CAIR doesn't like her articles.

I won't defend her work, or the Washington Times, which is not my favorite paper. But I'll defend her right to cover a news event open to other journalists, hosted by an organization that practically embodies the First Amendment [disclaimer: I'm a member of the press club]. Every other journalist at the event, including those serving on the panel, should have gotten up and left when Hudson was escorted from the room.

Six-foot-twenty, fucking killing for fun

I went out to Mount Vernon today, which reminded me of the funniest thing I've ever seen on YouTube.

My first time out there. Went by boat, which is ... well, slow. Some notables:

• Old GW had a helluva view from his place. I should have taken pictures, but I was lazy. Next time.
• Either American tourists have lost weight, as a group, or fat people just don't want to hike all over Colonial estates. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised.
• George Washington suffered a terrifying and excruciating death (in short, he got a really bad case of strep throat and suffocated). That makes me sad.
• His plantation produced a hell of a lot of whiskey. That makes me happy.
• We don't seem to know a heck of a lot about the man, despite some 20,000 letters. The museum at Mt. V, appropriately, features some hand-wringing over his attitude toward slavery. (He owned more than 300 slaves; that's bad. Yet he seemed to realize late in life that slavery as an institution might be a bad idea, and freed his upon Martha's death; that's good. Yet he also buried the slaves that died on his estate in unmarked graves; that's ... callous? The frogurt is also cursed.) But aside from the slavery stuff and some mention of his military failings (surrender at Fort Necessity), to believe the museum, everything else in Washington's personal and public life was pretty peachy. Maybe he was just that awesome, but I dunno ... maybe that YouTube masterpiece up there is not only hilarious, but also an astute bit of commentary on American mythology.

Update: My mom, an archaeologist, says that slave graves were often marked with headstones made of wood, or with "conch shells, deliberately broken pottery or glass, and other cultural items which may or may not remain today." So maybe GW wasn't a callous old bastard. Although mom also reports that recent research indicates that Washington used to rotate his house slaves out of his presidential home in Philadelphia regularly, because under Pennsylvania law they were free after six months residency in the state. Hmm.

The most expensive a man can get

I found myself in the market for razors the other day, after I left my trusty Mach 3 at a lady friend's house.

Before heading up to the neighborhood Crappy Variety Store, I thought I might try out the Gillette "Fusion," the successor to the Mach 3 and its varietals. There have been a lot of really bad advertisements for it, and a friend of mine gave it a strong endorsement, so I figured why not. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Gillette was inspired to design it by the funniest Onion column ever.

"Well, fuck it," I thought. "We're going to five blades."

Until I saw the price tag.

For $22, I can buy 12 replacement blades for my good 'ol Mach 3. You know what $22 gets me in the Fusion line? Ninety-nine cents short of eight blades, that's what.

This is bullshit. This is a travesty, an insult. For $2.88 a blade, this goddamn razor had better wipe my ass, clean the bathroom and make me a sandwich. And if it cuts me, even once, I want my money back.

So instead, I went with this:


$1.50 a piece. Now that's what I'm talking about. Here's a quick review: Except for the blades, the razors are made entirely of plastic, so they feel awfully light and flimsy. It feels like you're putting some kind of child's toy to your face, rather than a fucking tool, as with the Mach 3. The first shave is a little rough; the blades are a bit too sharp. But shaves number two and three are just fine -- quick, smooth, painless. Shave number four nicked me; the Xtreme 3 Comfort Plus doesn't wear as well as a Mach 3 blade. But that's okay, because they're marginally cheaper.

So in sum, the Xtreme 3 Comfort Plus gets the coveted alexwayne.com endorsement.

And Gillette can kiss my hairy ass.

Best mugshot ever? And not in a laughable way.

I hope I look half as good as Lindsay Lohan if/when I'm ever arrested.

Seriously, she looks almost put together here.

Probably the best-looking alleged coked-out drunk I've ever seen.

All right, agreed, some mighty lame posts since I "returned." They'll get better eventually, I promise.*

*Not a promise.

Sign me up

An iPhone on Google's wireless network? Yes, please.

But if you suspect that the established phone companies pull a little more weight in D.C. than an upstart search engine and, oh, millions of U.S. consumers ... well, I don't have time to do the research at the moment, but I strongly suspect you are correct.

I'm back, baby!

My friends and family keep telling me that I'm funny and they like my blog, and why don't I write more.

I tell them: Because I'm lazy.

I've decided that's not a good excuse. Even though I really have nothing interesting to say about anything -- at least, anything that I don't write about for a living -- I have made a July 18 resolution to blog more often.

So to kick off my new old habit, here are some bullet-pointed items about big events in my life. Everyone loves bullet points -- it's a rule of journalism.

• My friend Tim has started a boxing blog. It's called "Seven Punch Combo," which sounds like something I could never pull off in Streetfighter II, and that's cool. The actual URL is not as cool. Anyhow, apparently I partly inspired the thing -- I told him once he oughta try writing about boxing, in addition to his day job (same as mine), because no one gives a shit about that sport anymore and he's a great writer. So far, he's meeting expectations.

• Mike Vick has been indicted. This is huge. I have a fantasy football draft coming up on Aug. 19, and last year, Vick was, believe it or not, the third-highest-scoring quarterback in the fantasy world. (In the real world, with 13 interceptions and three lost fumbles, he pretty much sucked. But I don't care about that.) So now I am faced with a dilemma: Where to draft him? Pre-indictment, he's the fourth or fifth QB off the board. But now? I think I have to assume he'll be in court, if not imprisoned, by the end of the season. That's if he isn't suspended even sooner. (For what it's worth, I think the NFL has to suspend him. I buy the Humane Society's argument: What's the point of having a conduct policy if you're going to wait for the legal gears to turn?) And even if he plays, surely he can't be any good. I say he goes undrafted.

• Also, Vick needs his ass kicked. Not that I'm gonna do it, no sir. I nominate Ray Lewis.

• There are some changes around here. Apparently they've added some new features to blogger, and asked me to update my blog to take advantage of them, and so it turns out they don't have my old template anymore, which I'm pretty sure I liked better than this one. Alas.