I'm a "Not Yet Replied"

I am here not to praise Evite, but to bury it. I have had quite enough with the ubiquitous invitation service, and quite enough with my friends using it to organize even the most modest of functions. I now receive Evites for backyard barbeques and weekday drinks. From people whose e-mail addresses I have memorized.

E-mail, I think, is vastly underutilized. You may have thought that was impossible; I did, once upon a time. And then along came Evite. I say we go back to sending party invitations via e-mail. It's simple; you can be just as clever; it does not require your invitees to be clever in response, the most repellent feature of Evite.

Why do I hate the service so? Time for a list.

• I do not like the name. The cute trend of prefacing a common word with an 'e' began, I suspect, with electronic mail, a usage which makes so much sense there's no reason to dislike it. But it has since proliferated to "Emachines," "Epinions," and "Evite," just to name a few, all of which are grating.
• I do not like the spam. Whenever I am added to an Evite, I can be assured of receiving at least a half-dozen future e-mails, kindly reminding me of the event and notifying me that my response is "not yet replied" (my standard reply to an Evite). Also, I strongly suspect that Evites are mined for e-mail addresses by other spammers, or that Evite flat-out sells information to third parties. Note that I have absolutely no evidence for that baseless allegation, but I lodge it nonetheless.
• I do not like the graphics. Apparently, when you compose an Evite (I've never done it, incidentally), you're required to choose from a limited selection of background templates. These invariably do not match the theme of your party. For instance, a friend of mine is throwing a rock-and-roll-themed party this weekend. He is planning to dress like Angus Young. The text of his Evite references "doing blow off a stripper's ass.

The background art: A cartoon Elvis, in front of the words "The King" in lights. I assume that my friend did not have the option of choosing an Angus Young cartoon, or a picture of a stripper doused in cocaine. But sadly, the net result is that the invitation makes no aesthetic sense.

• I do not like composing a positive response. There are some people in this world who are very clever Evite responders. They don't just respond "Yes" or "Maybe;" they come up with something funny to say about the party or the person throwing it, or what they're going to do at the party. I am not one of these people, and yet I feel compelled to try. The results are more often than not pathetic.

• I do not like composing a negative response. Sometimes, I'm waiting to see if there's something better to do that night. Sometimes, I just don't feel like going to your fucking party. But I can't write either of those things. And because of the clever Evite responders in the world (see above), I can't simply respond "No" without some additional explanation. Hence, my frequent "not yet replied" reply. Most of the time, it's not that I haven't seen your Evite or haven't thought about whether I want to go to your party; it's that I don't fucking feel like coming up with some clever goddamn response

So I'll be a permanent "Not Yet Replied."