If you don't like football, go away

Because it's time for the alexwayne.com NFL draft analysis.

Worst draft: Denver. With their first three picks, they took cornerbacks. Unless I missed something, they still have a fellow by the name of Champ Bailey on the roster. Two of the three weigh less than 190 pounds; none are taller than six feet. And then they pick Maurice Clarett in the third round. Even though he apparently spent his two years away from football doing nothing but eating ding-dongs and talking shit about Ohio State. Runner up: Detroit, everyone's pick for worst draft. Last thing they need is a third stud receiver on the roster, but they take Mike Williams at 10 anyway. Meanwhile, Detroit's running backs suck. There were three great running backs taken in the first five picks of this draft. Just about every team in the top five was trying to trade down. Hello? Second runner up: Every team with a crappy/questionable QB -- and there's too many to list, but starting with Tennessee and Arizona -- who passed on Aaron Rodgers, resulting in ...

Best draft: Green Bay. Drafting 24th, they get Brett Favre's successor in poor Aaron Rodgers, the Cal QB once projected to go number one. He only threw for about 5,500 yards and 43 touchdowns versus 13 interceptions in two seasons as the starter. Green Bay drafted 11 players total in seven rounds. I have no idea who most of them are, but who cares? Half of them can totally suck and it'll still be a great day. Runner up: Miami. Handily replaced Ricky Williams with Ronnie Brown, the best of Auburn's two stud backs. I'll be looking to pick him up late in my fantasy draft, come August. And then the Fins got my boy Channing Crowder in the third round. Crowder was Florida's stud middle linebacker last year; basically, he almost single-handedly made Ron Zook look less stupid. Then he foolishly decided to leave school early for the draft. I saw him projected to go in the mid-first round at one point; too bad for him, but good for Miami. Second runner up: Minnesota. Filled all kinds of needs. A possible replacement for Randy Moss? Check, in South Carolina burner Troy Williamson (Daunte Culpepper makes every other WR look good; why not this dude?) A couple of stud hogs for the defensive and offensive lines? Check, in Wisconsin's Erasmus James and Mississippi's Marcus Johnson. Another great-but-dumbass Florida player who thought he'd go in the first round? Check, in fourth-round RB pick Ciatrick Fason. When Crowder wasn't saving Zook's ass, Fason was.

Good lord, the fantasy football season can't come too soon...

Update: It was pointed out to me that the New York Jets didn't even have a draft pick until the second round, and with that pick they took a kicker. I may have anointed Denver the worst drafter too soon. Still, he was the best kicker in the draft ...

Next to stories about natural disasters and man-eating animals...

... I can't get enough stories about raging hemorrhagic fevers.

Also: I think this is the most dangerous assignment a journalist can undertake. Iraq is a cakewalk by comparison. If you're not in a situation where you have to worry about being sneezed on, you're a puss.

The usual memories

So I'm totally lazy and haven't posted jack or shit lately -- haven't even visited the site in quite a while -- but I'm idly checking comments today, and who the hell should show up but Will Morgan.

I can't tell you how huge this is.

Someday I'll scan all my old college photos into the computer and post an illustrative one here. The story of Will Morgan is best told visually. Mostly because I can't remember much of it. Something about a malt liquor party ... Will passed out on the lawn outside my apartment ... a legendary night of drinking shots of tequila and hot sauce that I only heard about ... none of us ever getting any chicks ... some disco parties ... Sugar Bowl, '97 ... so hazy.

And like that -- puff! -- he was gone. Underground. No one has ever seen him again. He becomes a myth, a spook story that drunks tell their kids at night. Rat on your pop, and Will Morgan will get you.

One of the year's greatest sporting events ...

... is upon us: The NFL draft.

Why is it so good? Readers love lists, so here's one:

1. Late April is otherwise a sports dead zone. What have we got -- Roidball (MBL), Thugball (NBA) and Arena Football. And unless it involves a congressional hearing or a brawl in the stands, I'd rather watch the latter. Oh, and we have golf. Oy.

2. Fan participation. In a scant four months, some of us nerds will be conducting exhaustive research in preparation for our own fantasy football drafts. This totally gets us in the mood. (Tough draft this year, but I'd take Auburn RB Ronnie Brown number one, were I SanFran. Braylon Edwards number two. Let the QBs fall to the 8-10 area, if you ask me.)

3. It weds together the two best professional sports leagues in America: the NFL and college football.

4. Excessive, ridiculously in-depth coverage. NFL writers otherwise are on long vacations. They come back for a few weeks and have nothing to do but write the occasional star-player-bitching-about-his-team story or draft profiles, draft predictions, draft analysis, and draft post-mortems. It's excellent.

San Francisco, you're on the clock.

Man do I hate George Lucas

He gets me every time. Creates an absolutely kick-ass trailer, then produces an absolutely wretched movie.

I know Episode III is going to reek. I know it. But this trailer has got me hooked.

I hate myself.

Making politics of coincidence

I expect Crazy Christians to be linking the deaths of Terri Schiavo and the Pope in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Thank God they didn't both go on the same day, at least. My head would've popped with the insufferable comparisons.