Avast, ye scurvy dogs!

I've come to a conclusion. The reason the world isn't doing anything about the rampant piracy off the coast of Somalia is because pirates are awesome, as this New York Times article clearly agrees.

Every time a seized ship tosses its anchor, it means a pirate shopping spree. Sheep, goats, water, fuel, rice, spaghetti, milk and cigarettes — the pirates buy all of this, in large quantities, from small towns up and down the Somali coast. Somalia’s seafaring thieves are not like the Barbary pirates, who terrorized European coastal towns hundreds of years ago and often turned their hostages into galley slaves chained to the oars. Somali pirates are known as relatively decent hosts, usually not beating their hostages and keeping them well-fed until payday comes.

“They are normal people,” said Mr. Said. “Just very, very rich.”

I can't get enough stories about Somali pirates. (Aside: What idiot sends a freighter full of fucking TANKS through Somali waters without arming the crew?)

Don't ever change, Somalia. I mean, except for all the starving people. That's not cool -- you should change that.

The perils of reporting from Congo...

The New York Times' man in Congo seems to have been carjacked by Congolese soldiers.

Several residents said that vanquished Congolese soldiers were looting shops on their way out of town. A band of fleeing soldiers commandeered a car that had been rented by a team of Western journalists and threatened the journalists at gunpoint to drive them west, away from the rebels. At one Goma hotel, the manager demanded payment for the room up front.

I SO should've been a foreign correspondent.

I agree wholeheartedly

... with this story. This dude Swansburg is my kind of curmudgeon.

Let's take it a step further, though. Let's outlaw all restaurant outings among groups of ten people or more who are unrelated, except under the following circumstances:

• The dinner is held at a restaurant that utilizes paper napkins; and/or
• said restaurant sells beer in cans; and/or
• said restaurant has a jukebox; and/or
• a mechanical bull; and/or
• something other than a fork or chopsticks is used to eat food (i.e.; hands, wooden mallets, shovels).

As a corollary, by the way: If you know of a restaurant that features all of those amenities, you should never go there in a group of less than 10.

C'mon, congressional Democrats -- let's making banning awkward and expensive dinners part of the "Nine for '09 Agenda."

My annual observations on the State of Las Vegas

The state of Las Vegas is strong, my friends.

It's 8 a.m. at Treasure Island, and we did not get up early.

Maybe it was just me and the booze, or maybe fat people just can't fit on planes anymore, or maybe America's actually wising up a bit about its disgusting obesity. Regardless, it was a pretty good-looking crowd in Vegas this year. (VERY good looking, in a few notable circumstances.) Setting aside the degenerate gamblers and assorted desert trash chain-smoking at the slot machines, of course.

Also, it turns out there is an upside to the rotten economy: cheap(er) blackjack tables. All kinds of $10 blackjack tables around, especially at Planet Hollywood (my favorite gambling joint, for the time being).

I was dismayed to see that auto-shufflers have launched a new offensive on the city, however. Please, if you see anything like one of these horrid things crouching on your blackjack table:


Just turn and walk away. Or if you MUST play (confession: I challenged the damn things a few times), be sure to complain loudly to the dealer about how your shitty luck is all due to the auto-shuffler. And for God's sake, don't tip.